the routine is killing me
staying alive and staying happy
My apologies for the delayed newsletter; I so desperately needed a break. I needed a break from it all—the job, the routine, the stress, and the worry. I was burning out, and so I did the one thing that I could think of: I called my bestie and took a 24-hour trip to New York.
On my way to meet her, I called up one of my line sisters. She and I were talking about the importance of having something to look forward to now that we’ve been in this adulting game for quite some time. I have been working like a dog day and night just to maintain. It’s truly draining, and it makes me feel particularly grouchy and unwilling to converse because I’m just preparing to do it all again the next day. Not having anything to look forward to can really leave you feeling confined to life’s everyday. I felt like Squidward!
My day consists of working out, going to work, eating dinner at work, coming home, and going to bed. There’s hardly any time to pour into myself. Working out is just to keep my body moving, but with such a tight schedule, I’m neglecting my body and am eating unhealthily, leaving me a bite away from a heart attack.
Luckily, the health issues I currently face are reversible, but it puts a lot into perspective. How much of ourselves are we willing to give to capitalism? How much are we willing to give to being burned out and hypnotized by a system that we neglect the better parts of ourselves? Our relationships? Our health? Our access to joy?
There is a creator I found on TikTok, Justin Scott (@cypherj on Substack), who has a video stating, “we have lost the joy of rebellion… the most dangerous thing you can do during an empire in decay is to smile without permission… It’s building joy in the rubble, it’s dancing on the cracked floor… joy was a ritual,” and it’s a ritual we often seem to forget.
During my escapade, I had the time of my life. I danced like no one was watching and felt the tension dissipate from my back and exit out of my hips. Throwing back shots and raising glasses. I was whining to the [afro]beats and stomping on the ground while singing at the top of my lungs to Kirk Franklin.1 I was renewed. Baptized in my own sweat and tears from laughter, the night felt so short despite getting home while the sun was coming up.
We concluded the weekend with some much needed r&r. Debriefing the night with over Guatemalan brunch, mimosas. and tea. I hadn’t felt so stress-free in so long. I felt like a woman who got to nourish her inner girl. I couldn’t be happier. And now, I feel much clearer too.
You see, I, too am someone who is currently engaged with the world. It’s disheartening and leaves me surprised at times. I want to be an active participant in strengthening the community. Yet, it can be so hard and even more discouraging when I cannot find that strength within myself.
I cannot stress how important it is to make time for joy, fun, love, excitement, etc., while there is so much heaviness in the world. Being expected to work 40 hours a week, maintain relationships, and be an active participant while the current government is attempting to execute world domination is intense and insane to even comprehend. Fight or flight will allow you to go into autopilot and do what it is that is necessary to get by just to preserve a piece of mind.
You see, it’s all internal. The work begins within you to be executed well for others to see. In order to strategize and mobilize, we must begin by giving ourselves reminders of what we’re fighting for. The glimmers of love and hope that we see while walking across the street or twerking in the club. Recognizing what it is that keeps us going and makes us feel alive so we can fight for our lives.
Because what will happen when everything we ever knew gets removed from the peripheral if all you focus on is what’s directly in front of you? If you aren’t taking a moment to look around and see what is worth saving? If you prioritize the moments where you can feel joyous, you will be reminded just how much of this world is worth preserving. It encourages you to fight for your happiness; to fight for our freedom and what makes this world spin. Prioritizing your joy keeps you aware of how little you are willing to experience despair and monotony. Because it’s like Justin said, fighting for a better world shouldn’t feel like dying. Because the joy we carry may be the only part of us they couldn’t steal.
