fake futuring + unromantic gestures

I am no stranger to romance. I have had women be intentional about me, non-binary and trans folk woo me, and have had men romance me and study me. I’ve overlooked the Bay that Otis Redding would sing about during sunset, been kissed in the middle of the street as if lives depended on it, and been wine and dined with flowers and live orchestral performances. I realise I am one of the lucky ones.

So imagine my surprise when I decided to give up on dating. I have been single for 5 and a half years now, and have never wanted to write about my romantic (or so they say) encounters. I thought it was rather cliché and a bit of clickbait. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy dissecting the wrongs in the dating scene currently? But my last few months of dating have been so draining rather than exciting. Dating should be fun, while also a bit competitive. Not necessarily in the sense of competing with others, but I do believe that when dating and getting to know someone, you both should prove why you deserve a spot in each other’s lives. My time is precious, and I don’t give it to anyone just willy-nilly. My friends say I’m picky and that I don’t give anyone a true chance… but you just know when someone is not worth the investment. Yet, against my better judgment, they still get a solid month out of me.

I’ve recently come across the term “fake futuring” in the context of dating. Someone has caught your attention, yet they know they can’t truly uphold your standards. So they overpromise and underperform while saying just enough buzzwords that keep you in their orbit. It’s pathetic, and it is a waste of everyone’s time. To be told that someone would rather “have a piece of you than none at all” is not the flex one thinks it should be. It’s actually more insulting to know that someone just needs a little bit of you, without wanting the full thing. I mean, imagine preparing a meal you have taken years to perfect: consistently reexamining the recipe, seeing what needs to be altered to make it fully presentable while simultaneously staying true to its original essence, just for your guests to take a bite or two and determine it’s not quite enough, but that it’ll do. That they get McDonald’s on the way home because they know that’ll keep them satisfied while appeasing their host. It’s insulting.

So, I’m giving it up. I have no desire to initiate anything. This doesn’t mean that I am giving up on love or romance, but there is more than just saying all the right things with no follow through.

And, if I’m honest, it saddens me.

It seems as if no one is interested in understanding others nowadays, but is perpetually adamant about being understood. People are grouchy and simultaneously oversexual. Their lust leads their decision-making, and that’s okay if you’re upfront about it. The scheming and playing a role just to get into someone’s pants is where it gets annoying. I have bigger fish to fry, and dating shouldn’t be as draining as it is. It feels more like a chore than it does a treat.

Maybe that’s why my peers (aged 26-29) aren’t seen out as socially. In this age range, you are quietly preparing the foundation for the next chapter of your life. In this climate, it isn’t easy either. We are in an economic and physical war. A class war that is resulting in a recession (depression), and trying to make new relationships doesn’t feel as authentic as it should be.

At this time, it feels as if this period of time is centered around me and what I want my life to look like, and who I want in it with me. This has been a time of investing in the connections I currently have rather than fostering new ones. And if i’m honest, it feels a bit lonely as everyone else is on their individual journey and making sure their foundation is concrete. Some are getting married, some are having children. Some are making strides in their careers, while some of us are unemployed and living with family.

There is so much happening in the world that I refuse to sit around and text all day with no hope of meeting up in person. Especially when you have been shown time and time again that there are people who are willing to go that extra mile to prove their dedication.

But when they show up, oh baby, I am not letting go.